Blog Posts

Love your "Frenemy"? Body language tip #7

6/15/2013

For all you girls out there, it’s Julie O’Hara here, and this blog’s especially for you.

Remember when Lee Hanson had me on that cruise ship in Mystral Murder? There were two women on that ship, Cathy Byrne and Adrienne Paradis, who were “frenemies”. Of course, as a body language expert, I caught that immediately! In real life it’s not so easy to spot a friendly enemy - and trust me - if you’re a woman, you probably have one.

Personally, I think the term ‘enemy’ is too strong. Let’s just say that this female friend doesn’t always have your best interest at heart. For instance: You know that you can’t trust her with a secret… she’s guaranteed to tell someone. She’ll root for you to lose weight… but secretly wants you to weigh more that she does. She’ll look up your house value on Zillow… and smile when she sees a higher value on hers.

You’re already thinking of someone, aren’t you? I’ll bet it’s not the first time, either. Have you ever wondered why you continue such a relationship?

Don’t blame yourself. The root cause is cultural and biological. It stems from the time men hunted together and women were simply thrown together back at the camp. Men were programmed to work together as a team, while women were programmed to compete with each other for male attention and position in the tribe.

Hence, our society… one that glorifies football players and their teams… and makes a lot of women, individually, feel like they’re never pretty enough, slim enough, or worthy enough.

So, go ahead and love your frenemy. She’s not dealing with it as well as you are…

BFF,

Julie

Loves me not? Body language tip #6

5/29/2013

Hi, it's Julie O'Hara here. I've been getting a lot of emails from uneasy gals who fear their men are straying, and Lee has turned this post over to me. So, let's get right to the heart of it: Is your guy hugging you, but thinking of someone else?

In more innocent days, a young girl might pick a daisy and count the petals, one by one: "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me..." It's not so easy in the prime of our lives, is it?

Believe me, if you peek at his messages, follow him in your car or accuse him, you'll blow it. So, if you love this guy and want to preserve your relationship, listen carefully. First, take your blinders off. We tend to see people as we want them to be, and we block out things that don't match our image.

Less touching is the most significant clue that something is amiss...

How does he hug you? Does he lean over, his lower body not touching you? Does he pat your shoulder? He may be saddened about his waning feelings and unconsciously trying to reassure you. Head-to-head contact is especially loving and spontaneous. Does he still do that? In public, is his body angled toward you, especially his feet? Public touching is important, too. A light touch or squeeze in the presence of others says, this is my lover.

Even if all the above are missing in your relationship, don't assume that your guy is cheating and it's too late! Sometimes love wanes and a man starts looking around, but some simple body language adjustments can put the sizzle right back.

The key is mirroring. Put two people together, if one smiles, the other will smile back. If one crosses their arms, the other will soon do the same. Yawning, itching, leg crossing, you name it, if the behavior is prolonged, we're programmed to mimic it. Unfortunately, when a lover is distant, that unconsciously gets copied, too, and the distance grows.

So, use this body language fact to your advantage. Gradually increase the time you gaze into your man's eyes and touch him. And here's the most important tip: Prolong kissing him, at least every morning and every night.

Sounds simple, but it works!
Julie

A Soldier's Body Language

5/27/2013

Hi, everyone... Julie O'Hara here. It's Memorial Day, and you don't need to be a body language expert to understand this soldier's sorrow, do you? Lee Hanson painted this picture 42 years ago during the Vietnam War. I asked her a few questions about it this morning:

"Is this someone you knew?"

"Yes, his name is Everyman, and because he lives in a world threatened by evil, he steps out in front of the rest of us to fight it. Sometimes he dies, and sometimes he lives, but always, always... he pays the price. He leaves a part of himself on the battlefield.

"Sometimes it's an arm or a leg, his sight or his hearing, or features burned beyond recognition. And then, there are the scars you can't see; the horror and the fear that haunts his dreams, the guilt that overwhelms him because his friends died and he lived...

"On Memorial Day, Julie, when we honor Everyman and Everywoman who paid the ultimate price, we must remember the ones who are still suffering. These damaged men and women who literally 'took a bullet' for us, desperately need our ongoing support. Their families are suffering and need us, too."

"How can we help them?" I asked.

"I support the Wounded Warriors Project, Julie."

"Huh. I think I'll check that out."

Just in case any of you are like minded, here's the link Lee gave me:
http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/

God bless you all for caring...
Julie

The Water Trick, Body language tip #5

5/10/2013

Hi, it’s Lee here, taking a break from writing TOPAZ TRAP. My body language expert, Julie O’Hara, told me a surefire way to tell when someone is hiding something, no matter how good they are at fielding questions and projecting a calm, cooperative image.

“It doesn’t matter whether it’s a congressional hearing, a TV interview or a police interrogation,” she said. “You simply offer the guy a cold drink, and pay attention to his eyes when he reaches for it. A nervous person will watch his own hand the whole time. His eyes will follow his hand to the water glass as he picks it up, while he sips the drink, right up until he replaces the glass.”

“Come on, Julie. Doesn’t everybody do that?”

“Nope. Taking a drink of water is ‘second nature’ for us, like walking. We don’t have to concentrate on it; we’re ‘unconsciously competent’.”

“Ah, like driving,” I said, flashing on the four levels of competence...

1. Unconscious incompetence: A ten year old runs a car into a tree, not realizing he doesn’t know how to drive.

2. Conscious incompetence: A teen knows he doesn’t know how to drive, so he takes lessons.

3. Conscious competence: A young adult goes for his driving test. He knows how to drive, but he really has to concentrate on it.

4. Unconscious competence: An experienced driver no longer has to concentrate solely on driving, a skill which has become ‘second nature’.

“Oh, I get it! When someone’s rattled, they take a psychological step backward on the competency scale, simple stuff requires concentration.”

“Exactly, and they don’t realize it,” she said. “Not to change the subject, but who’s doing the blog this month, you or me?”

“Uh, I’ll do it.”

Sometimes this is really easy…
Lee

The gift that keeps on giving...

4/16/2013

I grew-up in Boston, so the images of yesterday's terrorist attack at the Boston Marathon were particularly painful. Seeing the turmoil on those familiar streets - where so many of my friends and relatives had gathered at previous Marathons - was gut-wrenching.

Right now, we have a daughter and grandson visiting us from Boston, and all of us here in Orlando were uneasy until we found out that our granddaughter who works in a nearby hotel was safe.

Make no mistake, even though they haven't caught the perpetrators, this was a terrorist attack. The whole point was to terrorize us, which brings me to my point:

Why do we give terrorists what they want? The dead and maimed are only a means to an end for them. What terrorists want is fear and publicity. Of course there is local and immediate fear when a bomb explodes, but we can thank our news media for around-the-clock, long-lasting coverage of every gory detail, resulting in a national explosion of fear. When you consider that there are a million car accidents each year, with over thirty-thousand random, innocent people killed, it should put this current horror show staged by terrorists into perspective. But no, we keep giving them this out-sized kind of attention. IMHO, all we’re doing is guaranteeing ourselves more of the same.

Lee

Who's lying to you? Body language tip #4

4/1/2013

Hi! It’s me again, Julie O’Hara. Lee Hanson is busy writing TOPAZ TRAP - which is a great story - and she’s very SLOW, so I’m handling her blog. I figure if I can keep her at it, she might get it released before the end of the year. One can hope. Okay, down to business… and please read this post to the end.

Can you tell when someone is outright lying to you? There are many unconscious giveaways that signal lying. No doubt you’ll recognize some of these…

You’re a salesperson and a smiling, potential customer says, “That sounds great. I’ll go to the bank and I’ll be right back.” Check the body language. Has the person crossed their arms, legs or ankles? Has he or she picked up a briefcase or a purse and put it on their lap? Don’t be fooled by a seemingly sincere smile and a positive statement. This person is closing up and creating a barrier between you. The body language doesn’t match the words. You should move on to a better prospect.

You suspect your teenage son of drinking alcohol the night before. You sit down with him, tell him your concerns and ask him about it. “Of course not, Mom. In fact, I purposely told everyone that I wasn’t going to drink in case anyone needed a ride. That’s why I was late coming home. The only reason I didn’t wake you up is because I didn’t want to disturb you.” This young man is protesting and giving you too much information. You didn’t ask him if he drove others, why he was late, or why he didn’t wake you. Liars embellish. A truthful kid would look directly in your eyes - his own eyes quite open - and give you a simple answer. “Don’t worry, Mom. I didn’t drink.”

Now, you would think that these two examples are easy to recognize, wouldn’t you? YOU didn’t have any trouble with them.

That’s because it wasn’t YOUR customer, or YOUR son.

As a body language expert, I can tell you this:

Most people enable liars because we want to believe they’re going to buy that house, they’re not going to drink, or gamble, or cheat on us, etc.

Not me. I want to bust them…

Julie

Body language, #3: Glasses, pipes and other props

3/16/2013

Hi there... I'm Julie O'Hara, and I've got another body language tip for you. (Lee Hanson is busy writing TOPAZ TRAP, my next murder mystery.)

Take a look at the photo on the left. An apt title might be, "What did you say?" What we have pictured here is a congruent group of gestures, a cluster: 1. a sideways glance, 2. head tipped slightly forward, and 3. lowered glasses.

(I would caution you to always look for "clusters". While it's true that a hand-to-the-nose gesture often signals a lie - the Pinocchio effect - remember that sometimes it just means an itchy nose!)

But I digress, back to the picture: This is a businesswoman, asserting herself with a prop... her eyeglasses.

Writers (like Lee) can use props like glasses to convey a picture of what's happening in a scene. Imagine an office underling who has screwed up an assignment and is called into the boss' office. There he sits, squirming in his chair:

1. While the boss across the desk peers at him over granny glasses, frowning. Ooh, not good.

2. Even worse, what if the boss stands up, throws the glasses on the desk and glares at him!

3. With luck, the boss might sit back, take the glasses off and put the tip of one of the earpieces in his mouth. Such a gesture says: "I'm listening, explain."

Pipes are great props, too. A fictional friend of mine, Sherlock Holmes, made good use of his pipe; cleaning it, tapping it, stoking it... all of which gave him thinking time to unravel a mystery. Lee Hanson has a prop, too: a computer. She's using it to stall like Sherlock, while she figures out my next mystery...

Julie (typed by Lee)

Body language #2, the psychopath

3/7/2013

Here's another tip from Julie...

Say you're writing a story that involves a murder, and you need to work up a profile of your killer. Obviously, your killer is a bad guy. The question is: How bad? (BTW, If you're thinking about a psychopath, I HOPE you're thinking about a fictional one! If not, this info may be even more important to you...)

There was a study published in the journal Legal and Criminological Psychology that compared fourteen male psychopathic-murderers to thirty-eight NON-psychopathic-murderers. The non-psychopaths talked about normal things (like their families), and either calmly accepted responsibility for what they'd done or exhibited some contrition.

The psychopaths, in contrast, all repeated the phrase that they "did it because of" (whatever), thus justifying their horrific act. This kind of disconnect MARKS the psychopath, and they are conscious of it from a young age, so they'll spin great tales to convince you how justified their actions were.

And guess what else they did? They all talked a lot more about self-gratification: Delicious food, great sex, making a lot of money. It wasn't uncommon for them to remember a fabulous meal... even on the days they were committing murder!

Julie (Okay, Lee typed it...)

Body language tip from Julie O'Hara...

2/6/2013

Did you know that you are almost as good at detecting lies as the pros are? It’s true. Forensic professionals, FBI and CIA agents, even judges can spot a lie only 53 percent of the time. (Except for Julie and Judge Judy, of course.)

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: Everybody lies at certain times. I don’t have a problem with that. It’s a human trait. While the little white lies we tell each other often help to smooth our social interactions, some of the more serious lies, like covering up a crime, can have terrible consequences. That’s why my alter-ego, Julie O’Hara, looks for clues that bust the liar.

One of the tricks of the trade is to assess the importance of the lie. What’s at stake for the speaker? Julie has noticed that good liars aren’t stupid. When the stakes are high, they use their skill to lie more convincingly. You won’t see a smart, high-stakes liar fidgeting and looking uncomfortable. Look and listen for this important clue instead:

No ownership. You’ve seen this many times with politicians. They usually have no problem taking credit for their accomplishments, but when a politician is lying he or she will use fewer first-person pronouns. Julie has found this trait to be most reliable and consistent. A liar’s primary goal is to distance himself or herself from the incident in question, to take attention away from their personal behavior or involvement.

Even when they know this rule, people trip over it. Case in point: Hilary Clinton and the Benghazi tragedy. In an obvious attempt to appear upright and honest, she famously said, “I take full responsibility”… and from that point on uttered nary an “I”, “me” or “mine” in subsequent speeches and testimony. BTW, this is no criticism of Hilary, whom Julie admires, just an observation on human nature!

Check back for some more tips on body language. I told Julie I was busy writing Topaz Trap, her latest adventure, and I didn’t have a clue what to blog about. She squeezed my shoulder and said, “I love that story, keep at it. Don’t worry about the blog, just listen to me…”

Lee

"I'd love to write a mystery, but..."

1/12/2013

What a wonderful thing it is to start young and be a lifelong writer, to major in English Literature and Creative Writing in college, to become an English teacher, or perhaps a journalist, and then turn your talent to mystery novels. Certainly, many experienced attorneys, detectives and doctors have made that successful mid-career turn to writing superb mystery/thrillers.

Yeah, well... it would be nice to win the lottery, too!

While all of the above are desirable, none are essential to the creation of a first-rate, page-turning mystery novel. Thousands of people have read my three Julie O'Hara murder mysteries about a body language expert who "sees" what people don't say, and I never went to college or set pen to paper until I was sixty-five years old. A voracious reader, one day I closed a favorite mystery/thriller and thought... I could write one of these.

What is essential, then?

1. A broad love of literature, especially for a particular genre.
2. A willingness to study hard and long, to absorb the insights and advice of successful writers of that genre and apply them.
3. A strong work ethic that will keep you writing, week after week, month after month, until your story is told.
4. A sense of pride that won't let you put it "out there" until you polish it to near perfection, and then finally let it fly because nothing, after all, is perfect.

There's no better time than now to indulge your creativity. With the advent of e-books, you don't need an agent or a publisher, so, if you've always wanted to write a mystery, go for it!

Remember, Agatha Christie didn't go to college, either...
Lee

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